Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
