Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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