All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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