My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
