We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You're like the curious george of whores
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
