Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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