I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
