I accidentally burped into my bong.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
