my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
