You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
