bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize