WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
