I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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