I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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