Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
