found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
