i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I want to fling myself into the sun
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
