It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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