i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
