you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
