I wish they made helmets for livers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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