it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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