Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
