I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
