Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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