I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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