The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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