I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
