Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We are two peas in an std pod
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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