worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
