I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
