All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
