the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
