Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
