That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
