need another drink. this is the easiest way
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
