phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
