I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
