I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
