trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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