Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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