I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
