Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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