I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
