: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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