he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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