I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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