I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
