Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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