what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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