Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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