Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
