How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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