chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
