A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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