Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
