Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize