as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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