does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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