never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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